Chasing Penguins

After a series of unsuccessful attempts at online dating, I have officially deleted my profile. I will preface that by saying I never actually WENT on any dates from the cyber dating world, but the effort proved to be not worth the results. (the last guy who emailed me actually wrote me EROTICA. I am writing this is parenthesis because I think I have post traumatic stress syndrome from it. And although I am relieved it was an actual male that was interested in performing this erotica with me, it still made me throw up a little in my mouth).

Moving on...

For some reason, probably because of how busy my schedule is (i.e. I'm too disappointed and bitter to try in real live situations) the only stories I have are via the worldwide web.

So yesterday when my first kiss found me on facebook I was actually gleeful, maybe even hopeful. I have this thing that I do when the past comes back into my life. I immediately think it's the universe giving me a second chance. That it's put me through this test (18 years and counting...) since my first dating experience and now is the time for me to realize what I missed and live happily ever after, but with all this knowledge I wouldn't have had if we continued dating, let's say when we were 12. That's when I dated AD (I will protect his identity obviously to save myself from embarrassment).

AD is still living in Crystal Lake, the small town in IL where I attended middle school. He is a Sheriff but from his photos he looks more like a Park Ranger. He is still as cute as I remember him to be from our days holding hands and passing notes. Our first kiss although I remembered it a bit awkward, I think he got the side of my face more than my mouth, I remembered it as romantic and sweet. Sadly I guess that wasn't the case (another reminder that I could romanticize a car wreck).

"We did have a lot of people pressuring us to kiss though. That was so funny." - AD

I also decided since I was given this amazing opportunity to reconnect with my first kiss, I was going to ask him the question that haunted me everyday since. Did he "dump" me, did I "dump" him? And why did we ever breakup when we could have been happy all these years?

"Yes, I believe I "dumped" you, but only because I thought you were going to "dump" me. Who knows." - AD

And the real kicker, where I literally felt kicked in the gut...

"BTW, my current long term girlfriend is named Jill. Just thought it was weird that the first girl I ever kissed and possibly the last girl ever kiss could both be named Jill. Ha!" - AD

Which takes us to the moral of my entry... sometimes we really are just chasing penguins. Past relationships that were never quite resolved should typically just stay that way. We don't need another reminder of our failed attempts to find and better yet maintain love. Especially the ones with a 15 year expiration date.